Learning to Live (one day at a time)
by Spot's July
Summary: Second part of Learning to Live (duh) just couldn't fit it all into one file.


  
  
Filly came running in through the door of the lodging house. "I just went to Tibbys, he said he only needs 50 more dollars and he can stay open." She said excitedly. The newsies cheered. "But" Filly continued "He needs it by Friday." "That's two days away, no way will we make it." Skittery said. "Optimistic as always aren't we Skitts?" I asked in a half joking half peeved tone. Cone shook her head from her spot next to Mush "we can do it, we're getting paid tomorrow from Medda and the guys have more jobs lined up, plus whatever tibby gets." Everyone nodded and broke off into groups. "Wanna play poker?" Race asked West, Ace, and Clink. The three girls looked at each other. Clink backed out "count me out" and latched onto Jake. Ace and West stayed. "We need a fourth how about you July?" I looked at his hopeful baby like face and shook my head. "I'm gonna go wander around." He nodded and looked for a new victim. The last thing I heard before I walked out of the building was Race's voice calling out "Daphne!!!! Do you wanna." "NO!"  
I grinned a little, some things will never change.   
  
  
I got back well after everyone had gone to bed and the door had been locked, so I crept in through the window that was left open for air during the summer. It was around 2 in the morning so I didn't bother to get undressed I just climbed onto my bed and fell asleep. And hour later I was woken up again by someone I didn't know but thought I'd seen before.  
  
  
My eyes snapped open, even in my sleep I could feel the intense look focused on me. "Get up" the voice demanded in a harsh whisper. I swung my bare legs over the side of the bed and looked him square in the face trying to place him. "What do you want?" I demanded. "Spot sent me to wake you up and tell you to go meet him on the Bridge." He stated as though I should have known without him telling me. "Why so he can throw me off, thanks but I'll pass." I said making a move to go back to bed "the windows right where you left it." The kid, who ever he was glared at me "Don't make me bring you by force." he warned. My temper flared, having had more drinks then I probably should have, I had a pounding headache and wasn't in the mood for this. "Whatever the almighty Conlon wants will have to wait." I said. The kid actually picked me up, walked me over to the washroom and told me to get ready. I sighed, the only way I was going to get any sleep was to go see what Spot wanted. So I brushed my hair leaving it down as always, washed my face and put on my boots. The kid was gone from the room but I could see his figure in the shadows on the fire escape. I walked to Brooklyn with him following me a good twenty feet behind me. I rolled my eyes and stepped onto the bridge. Spot wasn't there, kid didn't even have the decency to show up on time for his own kidnapping. I leaned against the railing staring at the water for I don't know how long. I could still feel the prescence of the kid who had gotten me, his eyes bore holes through the back of my head. "You came." I heard from behind me. I turned around "You didn't leave me much choice." I said crossly. I felt like I was going to throw up any minute, I can usually handle alcohol pretty well so I assumed it was from lack of sleep and nervousness as to what he wanted. "I heard you and Jack broke up." Again that smirk, he never liked Jack going out with me, he made that clear from the beginning. "Good news travels fast doesn't it?" I asked sarcastically. He changed the subject "You look like shit." He said bluntly. "So sorry your highness." I said leaning back on the rail. "Ok, so you've rubbed it in, and insulted me, anything else or can I go to bed?" He looked at me, like he was studying my face and trying to see what I was thinking. I turned around, I don't like him looking at me, his gaze made me feel open and vulnerable. He joined me at the railing. "Why do you like the water do much, it ain't that fascinating is it?" he asked. "What do you care?" I snapped. "You really are a bitch." He said. "What the hell is your problem!" I yelled "If you hate me so much why did you demand that I come here, why can't you just leave me alone instead of bothering me, or is it really all that run to insult me?" "It really is that fun." He said with a grin. Every emotion I ever felt boiled up inside of me as I swung out and hit him. He fell onto the ground holding his eye cursing fluently. I walked over and kicked him "You know what this is fun too." I said and turned on my heel walking away. The night had turned cold, so I wasn't too surprise to find the window closed when I got back. "Damn him" I cursed rubbing my arms trying to get warm. I checked the guys window and sure enough it was open, they wouldn't wake up if a bomb went off in there, so a little cold didn't matter to them. I crept through the room and back to the girls' and finally to my bunk where once again I decided not to change. I huddled under the blanket trying to get warm again but it wasn't working, the cold had seeped through my bones and I knew it wasn't the weather.  
  
  
The next day the rumors were flying around about the great spot conlon getting beaten up. No one knew who it was and although it would have been a fine time to ruin his reputation I didn't want anyone to think that I had any sort of relationship with him that would bring me out in the middle of the night to see him. Turns out though Spot wasn't thinking like that and came to Manhattan to "speak" with me and gave away his own secret. I'm writing this days after it happen because of the little talk spot and I had was a lot more then just a little talk  
  
  
We were all by the Horace Greely statue counting the money for Tibby when spot and a few of his thugs, came lumbering over. "Hey conlon nice shiner!" Race yelled getting elbowed by Song to shut up. Spot ignored him and pointed to me "You, over here now." I looked at him with an incredulous look "will I get a treat if I obey Mutt?" I asked sarcastically. "No" he snarled "but you might get something else." Jack jumped up "what's this about Spot?" I turned my glare away from Spot and fixed it on Jack who I still despised in so many ways. "You, just stay out of this, it's got nothing to do with you." I jumped off the ledge of the statue that I was sitting on and took Spot by the arm and led him over a few feet to the left. He pulled away from me "Your gonna be sorry you got rid of Jack, your going to need someone to help you when I'm done with you." I stood with my arms crossed looking at him. "I'm shaking in my boots, I'm really scared spot I mean it." And I did but the day I let him know that was the day I'd stop hating frank. "You should be!" he yelled "No one hits Spot Conlon and gets away with it, especially not a girl!!" The newsies exchanged puzzled looks. "It was YOU July?" Patch asked bursting into peals of laughter, soon followed by everyone. "Way to go!" Copper cheered. I scowled at them and they shut up, silent snickers going through them. Spot's glare went right through me now and probably was blinding the people on the other side of the river. He made a motion and all the sudden I was surrounded by a circle of Brooklyn-its. I didn't say a word, and maybe if I had what happened next wouldn't have, but my pride wouldn't let me. Spot swung at me, if it had just been him I could have handled it but all of them jumped in too, and the last thing I saw before it all went dark was the Manhattan newsies running towards me.  
  
  
A day later I woke up stiff and unable to move. Patch, Song, Copper and Clink were in the room at the time, and came over when I moaned lowly. I made them tell me what had happened after I passed out and they said ok but it wasn't going to be pretty, and they were right.  
  
  
Pain. That was all I could feel, intense pain. A throbbing so hard in my head I had a tough time remembering where I was. My body was stiff to the point where flexing my leg hurt more then was bearable. I couldn't talk at first, my throat was dry, all I could do was take in the pain with sharp breaths, which hurt too. Patch explained that I had a few broken ribs and shallow breathing would be the way to go for awhile. Song handed me a glass of water, which I took and tried to drink but it dribbled down my chin. I finally got enough in me that I was able to ask what happened. They took a deep breath and looked at each other. I stared at them expectantly. "They got you pretty bad, even by the time we'd gotten there you were out cold" Song started. "We pulled them off of you as best as we could but those guys are strong and there was a lot of them looking for revenge on you." Copper added. "So we finally got them off of you and you weren't moving, Blink picked you up and brought you here. We thought the fight was over but Jack was pretty mad at spot jumping you and all, and before you knew it the two of them were going at it, screaming about you and the two territories and anything else they could think of." Patch finished. Tears were threatening to fall as I held them back. "Damn him!!" I screamed punching the bed with my arm that wasn't bandaged. "He's alright Jules honest." Clink said "a little bruised but no worse then what you and he did to spot." Brooklyn and Manhattan were allies, they always had been and now they were fighting because of me. "I screwed everything up." I said trying to sit up, the pain was too sharp causing me to fall back down. "No you didn't." Patch said "it's about time Spot got a taste of his own medicine, Manhattan and Brooklyn will be fine before you know it." I closed my eyes "can I be alone for a minute?" they nodded and quietly slipped out of the room. "Patch wait!" I yelled before she walked out. "yeah?" she asked. "Can you get me the hand mirror in the bathroom?" She hesitated which let me know that I did indeed look as bad as I felt, but she brought it to me anyway. I looked in it and was horrified at what I saw, my right whole cheek was purple and swollen, I had a cut above my left eye, my eyes were swollen and drooping. "It'll heal" Patch said quietly. I ignored her and kept looking into the mirror, I heard her quietly leave the room and start talking to someone outside the door. It was Jack I could tell his voice anywhere. The door opened and he came in. "Hey" he said quietly. I turned away from him, bitter about everything in my life. How in two years my life got so messed up was beyond me. He walked over to the bed. "Can we talk?" slowly I turned over and faced him. "About what, how I almost got myself and you killed, or when I'm leaving?" He frowned. "Neither, listen July I know you hate me and you have a good reason to." "Damn straight" I muttered bitterly, not that he didn't have a perfectly good reason to despise me now. "But I want us to be friends again, like before we started going out, when we could talk to each other and have fun." I stared at him in disbelief. "I just got you into a fight with your best friend and you want to be MY friend? What are you crazy?" I asked. He smiled a little. "That's not the first time Spot and I have gotten into it, it was however the first time I saw him get so worked up over a girl." I scowled. "I hate him." Jack looked at me "I don't blame you, but you never went very easy on him either." I didn't respond to that. "Why do you really hate him Jules, because he bothers you or because you like him and you don't want to admit it, and hating him is easier to deal with, think about it." He kissed my forehead and walked out of the room. I knew things would be ok with us from now on, and Shasta and I could be friends again. Maybe I did hate people because it was easier then facing up to my emotions. Jack's words echoed in my mind over and over again till I feel into a deep sleep.  
  
  
The weeks passed and sure enough my face looked like it used to, tibbys was reopened and better then everor was open at any rate, Jack, Shasta and I were all friends again, and I had to admit I'd really missed Shasta's company. The only person I hadn't seen since that day was Spot. I didn't know if I was glad or not. Then one day he was there, my first instinct was to run and hide but Jack was there, with his hand on my shoulder as Spot approached.  
  
  
I woke up to the sound of Kloppman's voice yelling clear around the building. I sat up, my ribs only hurt a little now, like when I stretch. Us girls got dressed quickly. "Jules can I borrow your hat I lost mine!" Pigs yelled across the room. I looked up from washing my face. "Sure go ahead." I never wore it anyway. "Thanks!" she yelled placing it on her head and running out of the room. I made my way outside with Patch and Cone, who went off with their guys waving and promising to meet for lunch. I sighed and kept walking. Everyone was pairing up these days which left limited selling partners, not that I ever sold but that's not the point. I walked over to a group of newsies containing, Key, Snitch, Luna, Peter (mwhaha yes peter!! *Cough* AN sorry!), Shady, Flame, Ace, Boots, Snoddy, Piper and Snipeshooter. "Hey" I started and then saw Spot walk through the gates and towards the platform. I got a sick feeling in my stomach and slowly started to back up. I walked right into Jack who put a hand on my shoulder in a calming manor. "It's alright." He said. "How can you say that?" I asked "It's not alright, I don't want to be near him." "You don't have much of a choice now do you?" Spot drew near us, he sized me up for a good two minutes before talking, drawing an awkward silence. "You look better then the last time I saw you." He stated. For the first time, I had no come back, nothing to say at all. I just nodded dumbly. "What do you want Spot?" Jack asked in a friendly tone but had a vibe of authoritarian don't start anything. "I need to talk to her." I started to say that I had a name and it wasn't Her, She or Bitch but jack cut me off. "We saw what happened last time you wanted to 'talk' to her." It could have just been me but Spot looked flustered for a moment, maybe it was just something he'd eaten catching up with him, who knows with this kid. "Look I ain't gonna hurt her we just have to talk." I looked at Jack and nodded, his words still ringing in my ears. Jack let go of my shoulder but I could tell he was still watching us. We walked a few feet away he leaned against the gate confidently. I stood a good 5 feet away from him arms crossed wanting a head start if I should need one. We stood there looking at each other for who knows how long till I got bored and asked what the hell he wanted. "I wanted to talk to you." "So talk don't just stand there and look at me." I snapped. "Look I just wanted to say I'm glad your ok now, I was worried when Jack told me how bad off you were." "Like hell you were." I seethed "It's your fault I was like that, it's your fault for being such a jerk all the time and making me want to hit you, and it's YOUR fault for having such a big ego that you have to retaliate no matter what!! So don't tell me you were worried because it means NOTHING to me."  
"Well I wouldn't have to be a jerk if you just gave me a chance, but no you're too judgmental and couldn't see through your own bitchiness that I'm an ok guy." I narrowed my eyes. "Ok guys don't get mad at their best friends for going out with someone who they don't like, ok guys don't beat people up to defend their egos." He started to fiddle with the cane slung through a loop in his pants, the sun glittered off the shiny top. I backed away slowly, it had always been easy to act like he didn't bother me, but that was before he beat the crap out of me. "Dear God July don't be scared of me I won't hurt you again I swear!" he yelled in frustration. We had created quite a scene by this time, the Manhattan newsies were closing in around us. I shook my head and turned around walking quickly to Central Park. Spot having beaten me just brought back too many memories I couldn't handle, no way would I be able to forgive him, not ever.  
  
  
The days wore on, I tried to act like everything was ok, but I was being haunted by memories, haunted by spot, haunted by myself. I had to get away, all I wanted was to go to California and have my family be waiting for me. But that wasn't going to happen. But I could at least go back and see the house, I had the money. So I did.  
  
  
I dropped the note on the bed, I wasn't leaving much of an explanation, but how could I, so I simply wrote "Don't give my bunk away, be back soon, July." I picked up my bag and crept out of the room. The walk to the train yard was quiet and lonely, I heard a distant scream in the back round then two kids around 17 went running by laughing. Then it was quiet again. I sat on the hard bench till 1 in the morning until the train finally came. I boarded and took my seat I was one of the only people on. An old man snoring sat two seats in front of me, and a woman with three sleeping children a few back. I settled in, it was a long ride till I even had to change trains so I tried to fall asleep but couldn't. What would it be like going back?   
Every time the train stopped a few new people shuffled on, all sleepy eyed. We finally made it to California, I stepped off the train, the air was so much warmer than New York.   
I made my way slowly back to the house I spent so much of my life in, scared of what I'd find.   
I walked up the sidewalk, the flowers that once lined it were long gone leaving the row of rocks alone and desolate. I dropped my bag on the front porch. The Ivy articulately draped along the pillers was dead and drooping. I fingered a leaf taking it all in. I turned the knob hoping it wasn't locked. The door creaked inwards, it took me a good three minutes to get up the courage to walk inside.   
The dust choked me, every time I took a breath it felt like more was inhaled into my lungs. I took a tentative step into the hall looking around. Slowly I walked into the parlor, all the furniture was covered with gray sheets that once had been white. I remembered the day with clarity, when the housekeepers covered everything up and packed away my family's belongings. I swallowed my tears willing myself not to cry and moved into the kitchen. The stains were still on the counter from when Derek and I had tried to dye our eggs and spilt the dye all over instead when we were eight. The dining room, the same table with the dents from Derek and I doing our homework on it. Our game room, the bright blue paint was dull and faded now. I moved upstairs my feet echoing on the stairs. I stopped on the little balcony looking at the chandeler that hung over the dining room, the light from the windows glistened off it and onto the floor next to me. My parents room still smelt like them, though I'm sure it was only my imagination, all the other rooms, still the same as I remembered. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door to Derek's room. I held back another sob looking at it. The dresser I had cut my lip on when we were trying to fly, the bed we had made into a fort when we were 10. I left his room, and walked the few feet to mine. Pushing it open I didn't know what to expect, it was the same room, the room I had spent so many years of my life in. I walked around the room my fingers running along everything. I never appreciated it all when it was still there. My eyes came to rest on the closet. I walked almost in a trance, the tears burning at the back of my eyes. Opening the two doors, I crouched down and pushed aside boxes that we're put there for storage. The hole was still there, I crawled through and came to the narrow corridor which opened up to a bigger space and then narrowed down a few yards later, leading into Derek's closet. It was our secret club house, a spot we found when we were six and playing hide and go seek. We didn't know where it came from but we'd make up stories about how run away slaves stayed in there until they were freed. I felt around in the dark and found one of the candles we kept in there, next to a box of matches and lit one. The writing on the walls was still there.  
"D.C & A.C=Best Friends 4Ever." The list of all the funny things we had done together, stupid looking pictures, and tacked to the wall a faded picture of the two of us sitting next to each other at our 14th birthday party. We added it the day before they died. I curled up in a ball and let my tears go. Crying freely for my family, for my old life, even crying for Frank who died such an awful man. I don't know how long I stayed there but I finally crawled out, covered in dust and lay down on my bed falling asleep instantly.  
  
  
I had a dream last night, my family came to me and was standing by the end of my bed staring down at me. When I saw them I tried to touch my mother but she backed away a step. "Ashli" she said "Honey you have to let us go now dear." I shook my head "I can't, I'll never let you go." My father put an arm around mother "be strong Ash, you don't need us anymore, keep us in your heart, not in your tears, for if you can't remember us with laughter in your heart, you shouldn't remember us at all." I tried to grab him, to throw myself in his arms like I used to. He shook his head, "Ashli it's time for you to live now, you'll be with us one day sweet heart, till now live life to it's fullest." I looked to Derek for support, but he simply smiled and nodded. "Please don't leave me here." I begged "I don't know what to do." "Learn to live Ashli, one day at a time." Mother said "We love you honey." They started to fade away "Look out by the bay." Derek called. I jumped out of bed "come back!" I could barely see them now, just heard Mother's voice repeating "one day at a time."  
  
  
I woke up clutching the picture of Derek and I that I had taken off the wall. I sat up almost expecting my family to be at the end of the bed. I sighed, one day at a time, I'd been trying but it hardly seemed worth it. By the time I had unknotted my hair and washed the tear stains off my face I convinced myself that my imagination was playing games with me, my family wouldn't just leave me here so that dream couldn't have meant anything. I remembered the last thing Derek said, Look by the bay. I didn't want to go anywhere near the monster that had killed my family. I looked out my window that faced the water and gasped in disbelief. A huge patch of orange flower that could be none other than tiger lillies was in full bloom on our side of the bay. I ran outside and to the flowers, fingering the petals I knelt down on the ground taking it all in. There was no doubt in my mind now of what I had to do. "Thanks for the flowers Derek." I whispered standing up.  
  
  
I closed the door firmly behind me, my bag in one hand, a bouquet of flowers in the other. I stepped off the porch and walked down the sidewalk backwards stopping when I heard a voice.   
  
  
"The mayor of the town used to live here with his family." Someone said. I jumped in surprise. "I know." I said. "Oh someone told you already I guess, they died in a horrible accident, the town hasn't been the same since, we can't seem to find a good mayor." "That's too bad." I said "Yeah, they had a daughter who survived but no one knows where she is, supposedly got shipped off to NY, or something. I'm Jason by the way." He said sticking out his hand. I shook his hand letting him rattle on. "She looked a bit like you I suppose I don't rightly remember her too well myself, I know she had blonde hair and was treated like a queen, loved her twin brother to death." Death. What a choice of words. "So I heard." I said nodding my head, wondering how many rumors were circulating about us. "so are you new here, are you coming to school tomorrow?" he asked switching topics randomly. I shook my head. "No, I'm finally going home."  
  
  
I left Jason standing in front of my house, Stopping I turned around and looked back, I was leaving for good this time. One day perhaps I would move my family back to the house I grew up in but for now it wasn't where I belonged.  
  
  
I got back to NY around 5 o'clock. Everyone should be at Tibbys by then. I went to the lodging house first, I ran up the stairs past a very startled Kloppman and checked my bunk. Still empty. I grinned and threw my stuff on my bed. The mess around the room was familiar and nice to be in. I ran to the stairs and slid down the banister something I hadn't done since before the accident. "Hi Kloppy!" I called giving him a hug and ran out. I was out of breath when I got to Tibbys. "Guess who's back!" I yelled jumping onto Patch and giving her a hug. She squealed in surprise hugging me back. I was surrounded by people asking where the hell I had gone, why and how and what for. I laughed taking it in, these guys were my family plain and simple. They took me in from day one, how stupid I was not to have seen it before. "I'll tell you later." I promised, "but I have something I have to do first, I'll be back by 8."   
  
  
I saw Spot standing there at the end of the docks, all alone looking out across the water. I took a deep breath and slowly started down the docks my feet hitting the wet wood. I was getting a lot of weird looks from the boys up on their box perches. Ready to jump down at any minute I started something. I finally reached Spot. He turned and looked at me, he couldn't hide his shock but quickly recovered. "What are you doing back?" I bit my lip unsure of how to say what I came to. "I got what I went for." I started "I said I'd be back." He picked his sling shot up from the dock where it had been laying. "Not that I care or anything but where'd you go?" I watched him check the band on the slingshot for a few seconds before answering. "Home." He looked me up and down. "You have a family?" I shook my head. "I wanted to see my house, I had to find my old self, I wasn't always like this you know." He raised an eyebrow "I have trouble believing that, now what are you doing herein Brooklyn" I sighed with mixed emotions of frustration and tenseness. "I have to talk to you, to resolve this thing with you. I don't care if you hate me I just want peace, you don't talk to me, I won't talk to you." He tilted his head to the side a little and stuck the sling shot in his belt. "no." "What do you mean no? Do you really need to argue with me to be happy?" I asked trying not to scream, I should have known better then to try to talk to spot conlon without a good nights sleep. He didn't answer, just turned away from me ending the conversation in one move. I shook my head, something will never change. I turned to leave, but decided against it. "What happened to you?" I asked. He wouldn't answer. "Spot" I tried again. "Nothing that didn't happen to every other newsie, parents that beat the living hell outta me, an older brother who shot himself so he wouldn't have to live with It all, I'm a runaway no different than anyone else." He spat out looking at me only a minute with eyes filled with hatred. And then it all made sense, and for the first time ever I hugged Spot Conlon, and felt that I knew him a little. He stood there in shock as I let him go, I looked up at him and smiled. He looked at me "what the hell was that for?" I shook my head. "I don't know, for you being human after all I guess." "I don't get you July, you're a total bitch to me one day, scared to come within 10 feet without someone with you, then you disappear for days with no one knowing where you went and come back and hug me, are you on drugs? Cause I swear if you are July, I'll." I grinned. "You'll what? Don't you think we have a little too much history between us to have you start caring about me now?" He crossed his arms "who said I cared, it's just that knowing Jack he'd blame it on me." I laughed "admit it Spot, you don't hate me, it's not a crime you know" He grunted. "Can I take that as a yes?" I asked "cause you know I don't think your so bad either, for a chauvenistic pig that is." I added smirking at him. He smiled a little, not a lot but I saw it, and it wasn't one of those "I'm the king of the world" smirks it was a bona fide smile. "Yeah ok, and you're not bad for a self righteous not to mention opinionated little snob." I spit in my hand and held it out, he did the same, and I shook hands with Mr. Brooklyn himself. "I've gotta be getting back, I'll see you later" I said starting down the dock. "Hey July" Spot yelled. I turned around "yeah?" "There's a poker game tomorrow night, you coming?" I grinned "I wouldn't miss it."  
  
  
It felt so good to be back with the newsies. I told them I had gone to see my old house, to find a part of me I thought was gone forever. I left out Frank and my baby, I didn't want their sympathy.   
The next day I sold with Clink and Copper as usual, being with them again was great, the insanity never stopped. That night as we were walking to Brooklyn is started getting a little nervous, what if things with Spot and me weren't really ok? I was making small talk with Jack and Shasta, they were surprised I had come along since I normally wouldn't go within 20 feet of Spot Conlon. I tried to tell them things were ok now, but it was hard to convince them when I didn't quite believe it myself.  
  
  
We walked into the Brooklyn lodging house, there was a cloud of smoke around most of the tables. I sat down and looked to see who all was there. I was still scared of newsies from Queens recognizing me so I was glad to see that it was mainly just Brooklyn and Manhattan. Some one offered me a beer, I took it and looked up seeing Spot. "Hey July, wasn't sure if you'd really come or not." He said sitting down. "When I say I'll be here, I'll be here." I said taking a swallow of the drink. He smirked and stood up. "Have a good time." I threw some money in the pile that was accumulating in the middle of the table. "Deal me in."   
  
  
Ten dollars, 8 beers, and three hours later, I called it quits. "Can I talk to ya?" Spot asked appearing at my side without my even noticing. "sure." I said not sure if I was slurring my words or not. He led me outside and to the edge of the dock. The cold air sobered me up pretty quickly, the wind was biting cold. I sat down next to him. "What can I do for ya?" I asked. He studied me his eyes narrowing he touched the scar over my eye. "Did I do that to you?" I flinched, not because it hurt physically but because it killed mentally. "No, that was someone else's doing." I answered coldly. "Some one beat you?" he asked. "it doesn't matter spot." I said stiffening up. "Who was it?" "Look, drop it, you said so yourself every newsie has the same story, it doesn't matter anymore." I snapped. He held up his hands in defeat. I stood up a bit shakily "I'm going swimming." "What are you crazy? You can't go swimming, your drunk and you'll freeze to death." He said. "Do me a favor and go back to not caring ok, it made my life a lot easier." I said untying my boots. He took me by the shoulders "July don't do it." I pushed him out of the way "I'll be fine, go back to your party." I said diving into the freezing water. I was paralyzed momentarily by the shock of the cold water, but regained control and slipped under the water again. I surfaced and saw spot shaking his head watching me. I wanted to be angry at him, but it wouldn't come to me. I crawled out of the water shivering profusely. "I hate to say it, but I told you so." I flopped on the deck curling into a ball. "You do not hate to say it, besides you weren't right, I'm not even a little cold." I lied. "Your shaking like a leaf, come on inside." He said hauling me up and walking me inside. "I swear I should go back to not caring." He muttered dragging me upstairs and setting me in a chair. "I never asked you to in the first place." He threw a towel at me. "Shut up." I dried off, trying to stay awake. Spot came back in the room. "Jack and everyone just left, he said for you to stay here tonight, he don't want you in the cold." I sighed "when did everyone start caring so much about my health?" "They've always cared, you just had your head stuck up your ass so far you couldn't see it." Spot said pointing at me with his cane. I rolled my eyes and fell into a bed that looked unoccupied. "Good night spot." I said my eyes already shut, half asleep. "Night July."  
  
  
I woke up in the middle of the night, no idea where I was, I felt like I was sufficating. I was twisted in the sheets and fought to get free sweating and trying to figure out where I was. I was convinced Frank was in the room with me, my mind knew he was dead but as far as I knew he was in that room right next to me, breathing down my neck, making the hairs stand up on end. I finally got myself untangled and jumped out of bed looking around. I breathed knowing it was just a dream, some reaction to all the alcohol I'd drank. Knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep again I wandered up to the roof, the cold felt good on my damp skin and I sank against the wall in relief. I heard someone climb up onto the roof a few minutes later and jumped, scared out of my mind again.  
  
  
"July? Is that you? What the hell are you doin up here?" The voice demanded. I took a deep breath, gulping the air like every breath was my last. "Couldn't sleep." I said. He walked over to me and sat down. "Are you ok?" he asked "fine, just couldn't sleep, not used to the bed" I trailed off. "What happened to you back in Queens?" I turned to look at him. "What are you talkin about?" I said briefly thinking about jumping off the roof to try and get away. "Don't play dumb July, I've kept your secret long enough I think I deserve to knowwho are you?" I couldn't get away from it. "Ashli Cosimano, from California." I muttered. "Ashli" he repeated "sounds like a rich girls name, but when I saw you, you didn't look like you were rollin in the dough, but Jack says you don't sell but still come up with money, what's the deal?" I shot him a dirty look but couldn't hide it anymore, couldn't be bothered. "My father was the mayor of a town in California, we were rich, My family died and I got sent to Queens to live with my uncle. I didn't get my family's money till I turned 15, when I got it I left." I said skipping the part about Frank. "And the baby?" He asked "Where is it, does the father have ityou're not married to the guy are you?" I blushed, glad it was dark so he couldn't see, and so he couldn't see the tears that were forming at my eyes. "No" I said sharply and then with a hard voice "I don't know who the father was, and the baby's dead, my uncle killed him, you happy now? You know the truth? Wanna go spread it around the city and let everyone know what a whore I am?" I spat out fighting against the tears. He looked at me in shock "July, I'm sorry." "Sorry doesn't bring my family back, it doesn't make what happened change." I said coldly "Go away and leave me alone." He didn't move so I stood up and walked off the roof, out of the building and down the road.   
  
  
I crawled into bed just a few hours before Kloppman came in and woke everyone else. It was an interesting day, shocked everyone really.  
  
  
"July wake up" Pigs said shaking me. "Leave me alone" I muttered Pigs sighed in frustration "Jack come in here and wake her up" she called out into the hall. Jack came in and over to my bunk. "I thought I told Spot to have you sleep there." He said "I know you're awake July so answer me." I opened my eyes "I did sleep there, and then I came back and slept here, and I'm going to keep sleeping here, if you'd kindly leave me alone like I asked." "Did something happen with you and spot?" he asked. "no" I lied turning over. "Ok fine July, we're goin, see you later." He said leaving the room. I got up an hour later and stumbled down stairs. Spot was sitting on the old couch we have in the main room. I stopped and turned to leave, but he saw me and called me back. "I don't wanna talk to you." I said, I couldn't stand looking at him knowing he knew. "Your uncle is the one who gave you the scar isn't he?" he asked. "What part of I don't want to talk to you don't you understand?" I asked. "Listen July, what you said last night, about tellin people-I won't I promise." He said. "That's reassuring, really" I said "but I don't trust you, I'd have a better chance of no one finding out if I told old man Pulitzer himself." Spot looked hurt "hey I can keep a secret ya know, I didn't tell anyone I saw you in Queens did I?" "No, you just blackmailed me with it, you knew you had that over me and it made you feel powerful, admit it." I spat out. "Fine it did, I admit it, but only cause you were such a bitch." He said. I glared at him, "What'd you want me to do, welcome you back into my life with open arms so jack would know the truth?" I asked "I didn't have a choice." "You could have told jack, a lot of newsies have stories like that, sometimes they even tell people to get their sympathy to sell more." Spot said "He would have understood." I unclenched my jaw. "I don't want anyone's sympathy, I don't want it and I don't need it." I spat out. "So keep your mouth shut." "Would you get over your self and admit you need help." Spot said "I don't need help, especially not from you." I said bitterly. "July." "Don't say anything, I'm done talking" I cut him off, turning on my heel I started back for the stairs, he caught my arm and hugged me despite my struggling to get free. He was strong for a skinny kid and finally exhausted I dropped limply into his arms. "I hate you" I muttered. "No you don't." he said pushing me back a little so he was looking at me. "How dare you tell me who I hate and who I don't" I seethed. He shook his head "shut up." He said, and kissed me. I pushed him away "what the hell do you think you're doing?!" I yelled. "Drop it July, ya know you like me too, admit it." I was on fire, I wanted to kill him, he was so sure of himself, so arrogant. So I did the only thing I could, and kissed him back.   
  
  
So I'm going with Spot now, Jack had a weird reaction when he found out, not jealous just shock I guess. He said he sort of expected it would happen eventually. "Two people" he said "who tried so hard to hate each other were gonna end up together eventually." So one more twisted turn of events to add to my ever growing list. Not to make it sound like we're a match made in heaven, because we're anything but, going out with spot is like swimming with sharks. I guess he'd say the same about me. We fight all the time, but we're both stupid enough to come back for more, if the saying "opposites attract" is true, I think we're in trouble because we're way too similar for our own good. In three months we've broken up 5 times. Each for stupid reasons, neither of us remember a day later. Yet I like the kid, arrogance and all, and to this day he has never told a soul about Queens and what he knows. Maybe my life isn't doomed after all.   
  
  
Stuck in the back of my journal was the picture of Derek and me, taken over two years before. Now on the rooftop of a lodging house in NY, the cold wind rushing past my face drying the tears that were slowly falling, I could see my life would never be the same as it had been. I had moved on and past the girl Ashli Cosimano was, past the girl Frank made her, and into July. I closed the journal tapping my fingers on the cover and looked out into the open sky, the sun was peeking up above the horizon, up from behind the endless buildings. I could hear Kloppman downstairs, waking everyone up. The rustle and moans, the creaking of the beds. All sounds I thought for sure I would never get used to, we're comforting. I yawned having not slept, I was tired. "Thanks a million Jack" I muttered shaking my head with a small smile. I climbed in through the girl's window, Jack and Shasta we're showing some major displays of affection, Jack looked over and winked at me. I smiled, knowing what he had said last night had meant nothing, not to me, not to him. I sat and watched everyone get ready not feeling much like leaving I was so tired. The room cleared out till I was the only one left, I went down stairs and laid on the couch not wanting to be completely alone. Kloppman was cleaning up the lobby and I watched him with avid interest till my eyelids started to droop. "You know they say too much sleeping can make a dull girl." I opened my eyes a fraction of an inch. "And being a pain in the ass can make a lonely guy, if you get my drift" I muttered. Spot smirked his famous smirk "I'll take that as an apology." "I'll tell you where to take that apology" I said yawning. He just laughed, one of those I know you're not still mad at me so drop the act, laughs. I opened my eyes the rest of the way and looked at him. He pulled my hair a little. "Let's do something." He took my hand and pulled me up, and as always I couldn't help but smile.  
It's strange how parents always seem to be right, they never leave even when they're not living in this world anymore. My mother was right, I had to learn how to live, and I had to do it slowly. Two years ago I thought my life was over, and now everything was verdant again, bright and green, slowly but surely I had learned to live, and now I can't imagine not being here. 


End file.
